If you have been reading my blog and feeling as if I have been surprisingly upbeat throughout this whole process, you will probably be relieved to know that I had my first major mama meltdown on Monday at approximately 4:41 pm in the basement level of the Vanderbilt Hospital Parking Garage. I cannot recall how long I was “melting down” but I do know that I declared to John in mid-meltdown that staring at the concrete wall was making me feel claustrophobic and that we had no choice but to leave the parking garage. (It seemed rather reasonable at the time to proclaim that my tears were resulting from being in a confined space). “Worn out”, “discouraged”, and “overwhelmed” is what it came down to. I need not explain why, as you probably understand that giving birth to a baby 2 months early in a completely different state could probably trigger some of those emotions. Alas, I just wanted to make sure I keep it real with you in the blogosphere, and tell you that as much as I am smitten with that son of mine and feel so supported and loved by all of you, it has not been all rainbows and butterflies for the Trapps. I think my husband has literally spent an entire day of his life on the phone dealing with our insurance. I am so amazed at his ability to stay calm and be patient in the midst of a situation that is incredibly frustrating! Why, WHY is it that in the times in your life when you need the most help, insurance is the least helpful?!?! ‘Operation Get Owen to Houston’ is looking a little grim these days thanks to the unfortunate decision that our insurance company made to not pay a penny to help us get Owen transferred to Texas Children’s Hospital. We are trying to stay hopeful and my prayer has been that God would provide us with the best way to get our sweet baby home, and I know that he will. (Note: If you consider talking about breast milk an over-share, please skip over the next paragraph)

Another tricky thing for me has been this whole pumping milk thing. I have had to get over the idea that it is the ONLY thing that I can do for my baby right now (although it seems that way). Here is how it goes:

Its one of those tricky things: When you are stressed out your milk supply can be limited, but it stresses you out having a limited supply…so it just goes round & round (every two hours to be exact). I also am aware that it may not really be stress that is causing the shortage. This seems like an odd prayer request, but if you could pray for this process for me I would greatly appreciate it! In the meantime, I am extremely thankful that my baby is getting mainly my milk and know that it is gonna be A ok if he has to get some formula, too. We are working on getting Owen to feed through a bottle and also starting some actual breast feeding.

If you have happened to survive my talk of tears and breast milk, I commend you. You have probably been skimming through this nonsense despararetly searching for an updated Owen picture or a new fun fact about my son. Welllll, I don’t have too much news to report other than I am already seeing how Owen likes to call the shots!

Tired of the womb little boy? Just come on out!

Don’t want the IV anymore? Sure, why not rip it out?!

Ready to breath normally? Just pull away the tube!

Sick and tired of being swaddled? Wiggle your way out, buddy!

Wanna tell us how you really feel, Owen?? Projectile poop some more!

Those are some of his latest activities, and It appears as is I have one strong-willed little boy who is telling his dad, mama, and nurses who is boss! I can’t argue with that as long as his determination gets him out of that silly little incubator asap.

Perhaps he gets some of his determination from his mama…as I just returned from an 18 hour trip to Houston to take 3 exam—lets just say that someone was a little determined to finish up her masters degree. Mom picked me up from the airport after having transformed my dirty house and fixed my broken car that had a dead battery in the driveway up until yesterday…for some reason, my dad just decided to try and start my car last week when they passed through Houston. When he told me that my battery was dead I just thought, “why would my car be working right now!?!?”. Anyway, mom picked me up from the airport, and as she fought her way through Houston traffic to get me to school, I had my computer on my lap to do some cramming, and the pump to my chest doing some pumping. It was rather comical and slightly chaotic, but I am glad I made the trip. It definitely hasn’t sunk in yet that the school chapter of my life is finished. I, however, certainly sunk right into my cozy Houston bed for a quick 5 hours of sleep last night. It felt so good to be home, even if for a brief moment. The house had been straightened up by some of my favorite cleaning angels, and there were sweet gifts and Christmas decorations welcoming me home. I tried not to think about not having my boys there with me, and I am glad to be back in Nashville today with them. Stay tuned, I intend to keep working on my latest to-do list…